Abyssmal Cooking
by Jenna Wilder
Summary: A couple of TotA crack stories revolving around the kitchen or cooking. Fun fun!


**A/N: More crack! .:grins:. Is this enough of a break from death-y stuff for you, GTG? (speaking of which, I have more, TotA style.) I've been busy, since the internet went out... lots of stories got written, even if I was bored to tears. **

**Well... four humorous blurbs that all revolve around the kitchen, and the chaos that can be called out when certain characters start cooking. Fun fun!**

**I don't own anything but a copy of TotA. I do, however, need to think of something interesting to use for a disclaimer.**

**---**

The explosion that issued from the kitchen was the stuff of legends; the citizens of Baticul would speak about it for weeks to come. Who had known that simple kitchen ingredients could have such a catastrophic effect?

Not Luke and Natalia, that much was certain.

"How was I supposed to know that that stuff would explode?" Luke demanded, covered in soot and flour and honey.

Natalia, looking very angry, was likewise coated in the same mixture. She waved a long-handled wooden spoon under Jade's nose in a threatening manner. "Why did you not tell us that our recipe was doomed to failure?" she asked, as the Necromancer had been watching them concoct the meal with a great deal of amused interest.

Jade chuckled and readjusted his glasses. "Quite simple, really. It wasn't until you decided to emulate the great chefs that your recipe took a downward turn. When you and Luke foolishly agreed to douse your flour-and-honey mixture with alcohol and light it to 'speed up the baking time', you failed to take into account that flour is highly flammable." He dusted floury remains of their experiment off his military jacket and gloves, regarding the charred heap of what would have been dinner.

"Are you calling us _stupid?_"

"Yes, actually, I am. If you wish to put it that way."

---

"AUGH!!"

Luke's distress call brought Tear and Natalia running to see what was wrong. The redhead had been working in the kitchen for the last hour, and his agonized scream of pain was just about the worst sound that either healer wanted to hear at the moment.

"Luke, Luke! What's wrong? What happened?" Natalia demanded, seeing the replica seated on the floor, hunched over and moaning in pain.

He held up one hand, showing them a half a finger with bright red streaming from it.

Natalia screamed, looking like she might faint. Tear appeared to have her wits about her a bit more, looking around immediately for the severed finger. "Natalia, give me a hand. If we can find it fast enough, we can probably reattach it – "

Luke's whimper of pain turned into a full-blown laugh as he licked off the 'blood' and held up the finger, still fully intact. "Ketchup. Guy doesn't like it, but I think he misses the pranking possibilities that it provides."

"Oh, is that all?" Tear asked, smiling sweetly.

"I guess we'll just have to give you something to whine about," Natalia added, handing Tear a rolling pin.

The shouts for help that issued from the kitchen next were entirely real.

---

"Hey, Jade! It's your turn to cook tonight!" Luke reminded the older man, peeking at the book his companion seemed to be caught up in.

"Mm? Is it?" Jade didn't seem to be paying any attention to the redhead, barely sparing the time for a reply as he turned the page. "Are you sure?"

"Sure I'm sure. Yesterday was Tear's, so today's your turn. Put your book down and get going, would you? I'm starving," he complained, tugging on the book and trying to take it from the Colonel.

Without looking up, Jade put a hand into one of his pockets and withdrew a vial of dark green liquid. The skull-and-crossbones marking on the side was plainly obvious.

"I'll ask you once more," he said, shaking the vial slightly. "Are you _quite_ sure it's my turn?"

Luke grinned nervously, eyeing the bottle. "Actually, I just remembered that Guy volunteered to take your turn. No need to worry about that, then."

"Mm hm. That's what I thought."

---

"This is lovely, Guy. What's in it?" Natalia asked, munching on a bite of the fresh crispy dumpling that she was handed.

"Fruit, mostly, with a bit of sugar and flour and cinnamon and all that good stuff as well," Guy replied matter-of-factly, handing the dinner-dessert out to everyone. His grin became even more pleased when Noelle complimented him on his mastery of the recipe.

"Mieuuu… Master doesn't like my cooking, do you, Master?" the cheagle asked sadly, eating his dumpling and looking up at Luke with a hopeful glance.

Luke choked on a bite of his, spluttering and coughing as the little cheagle watched him. "Not really. It's terrible. You burn _everything._"

"Luke! Be considerate!" Tear reprimanded, whacking his head with her spoon. "Mieu works just as hard to cook as you do, and your cooking is far worse than his is!"

"Seconded," Jade murmured, looking up momentarily from _Raine's Practically Perfect Guide to Every Monster You'll Ever Encounter. _After buying it from Elion on Nam Cobanda Isle, he had rarely put it down.

"Whatever happened to being considerate?" the redhead complained, holding his head where Tear had hit him. "It was Mieu who asked, anyways – "

"Don't worry, Mieu. We like your cooking just fine," Tear interrupted, addressing the little cheagle with a friendly smile and a pat on the head.

"Yay!"

---

**A/N: That book keeps popping up, doesn't it? .:sweatdrop:. Ah well. Hope you enjoyed these. R&R, please!**

**.:snickers:. Jade is so much fun to write.**


End file.
